I've always hated the notion of the starving artist. For years, I've refused to identify with that kind of persona. I've refused to approach my career with an attitude of hardship and lack. Yeah, I don't have a typical job. Yeah, I play in a land of make believe. But I do it because I want to change people, I want them to feel something, I want to move them. I do it with all my might. And I believe there is success in that. Artists can be successful.
I've put a lot of work into myself. University, applied programs, acting classes, production workshops, voice over courses, singing lessons, dance classes, spiritual workshops, therapy, travel, working out, diet changes. . . Many thing have gone into making Michael Barry Anderson.
However, this week I find myself looking back at all that work and thinking, was it all worth it? This week I've been hung up on one variable in the equation: money.
I don't like to talk about money. Over the years, I've always been modest in my conversations about my livelihood. When people asked how I got by I would always maintain that I was making it work as an actor. It's true, I have been making it work and I've had many successes along the way.
Now I see that in my efforts to shun the starving artist persona, I've created another persona. The in-control, wildly successful, got-it-all-together Michael Barry Anderson. The person I want people to see. The person that everyone loves. It's exhausting being that person. I wouldn't go as far as saying I'm a façade or anything but I think I go out of my way to maintain an image. Sure, my best friends know every little dirty secret but to the general public I like to put my best foot forward.
Well, I don't always have it together. I get messy, like everyone else. I have moments where I'm not sure what I'm doing. This is one of those moments. I worry about money. I have a fear of failure. I have a tendency for depression. I have trouble living in the moment.
What I have learned is that it's way easier to just accept what is actually going on. I want to be blah, blah, blah. Right now I'm this. It just is what it is. I still have goals and things to work on. But I'm okay being exactly where I'm at. And I'm okay with people seeing all of me.